Monday, May 10, 2010

"Don't disturb him" - yeah, right!

The excerpt yesterday "I'd salt his coffee..."  gave me lots of pause to think.  I grew up thinking I was supposed to be "good" and not disturb anyone who was upset or feeling grumpy.

I was cowed by glowers and disapproval or the hint of either, or even by my projection of disapproval.  I think that gave my ex power over me which wasn't helpful to either of us.  It's so important to be on equal footing in a marriage.

When Chris and I met, we were so thrilled to be equal with each other.  We met doing Contact Improvisation, a dance form where the dancers generally stay in contact with each other throughout the dance which is improvised.  There is a lot of weight sharing - i.e. leaning into each other, even to the point of rolling over each other.  Chris and I used the metaphor that neither of us leaned too far into the other and that we could take each other's weight.  Though he's a big man, 6'2" and 200 lb, I am well able to lift him on my back, and he me.  We can lean into each other without being overwhelmed. 
When we get irritated with each other, we often break the impasse by going head-to-head.  Literally.  We put our foreheads together and push as hard as we can, generally grunting and fuming and sometimes yelling as we go.  It breaks through my resistance to saying what's really on my mind (which I've held back for fear of hurting him or for fear of revealing something embarrassing about myself) and gives me the chance to get it out of my system.  Chris, being the wonderful man he is, laughs uproariously and wrestles more.  We usually end up convulsed in laughter hugging each other.  It is the most marvelous way I've ever found to resolve issues in a marriage! 

(By the way, these pictures are from a contact improvisation dance.  That's me flipping over the guy's back!  Chris and I don't do that in the house, but it gets close sometimes!)

No comments:

Post a Comment