Will you join the revolution?

This morning I was confronted with an uncomfortable reality: there are people who do NOT like nudity.  I guess I know this theoretically, but it confuses me each time I run smack dab into it yet again.  I find the human body so fascinating, so surprising, so beautiful in all its forms that I don't quite know what to do when people express to me how offended they are by my depictions of said bodies.

In the past and again recently I have learned that some businesses which have supported me as an artist have paid a price in lost business because some customers haven't wanted to be around paintings of nude women.  On the other hand, some folks were drawn into the businesses by the paintings, so I'm hoping it goes both ways.

But I find it ultimately so sad that people would find my depictions of the human form to be disgusting.  I don't take it personally.  I realize they're not commenting on my talent or abilities.  Rather, they are apparently provoked by the subject matter.  I would guess it doesn't have much to do with the specific form of the woman they're looking at either. Fat, thin, black, white, green or blue - people have commented on almost all of my paintings with equal reverence and disgust.  It's quite a wide spectrum.  It's fascinating.

My take on it is that some people are not comfortable in their own skins, so they get triggered by looking at a nude body, particularly one which is not considered to be conventionally beautiful.  "How dare she have the gall to stand there naked?  She's so (fill in an offending adjective)!" 

I wept this morning thinking about the grief and pain some people must experience being confronted with their own bodies each day.  But truly there is nothing heinous about our bodies.  Nothing disgusting.  Nothing bad.  The curve of my thigh is beautiful.  The spots that are showing up on my skin each day as I age - interesting and fascinating.  The fat on my belly - smooth, curvy, sensuous.  None of it is horrible.  I am not horrible, or bad, or disgusting.

It's a challenge sometimes to stand by these beliefs and listen to people who feel differently.  It's hard to hear people rail against my paintings and against the idea, for example, that fat people don't deserve to be painted - or live, for that matter!  They're too gross!  Wow.  Really?  That's extreme.

All I'm saying is that our bodies are fundamentally beautiful and worthy of love.  We will feel happier if we can love our bodies and be grateful for all they do for us to allow us to exist on this earth.  I didn't know it  when I started these paintings, but I'm learning more each day that, in fact, it is hugely revolutionary to insist that we are fabulous, gorgeous and completely loveable.  Will you join the revolution?

Is it fit or fat that matters?

A friend of mine shared some of her thoughts about bodies and fat and fitness yesterday.  She had correctly noticed that her particular area of curiosity was not one I've addressed before, but most likely others have had similar thoughts, so it definitely seems worth exploring...

Here's part of what she wrote:


[This woman modeled for me after a long process of figuring out if it was the right thing for her to do.  We had a great series of emails about it.]

Over time, I came to a place of acceptance that all of me is beautiful.  Perhaps not always "attractive" in the classic definition of the word, but beautiful nonetheless.  Any pose could be lovely, real, and truly me.  Of course I have my own personal preferences of what looks more attractive or beautiful to me, based on my own thoughts and feelings about beauty.  How I was raised, my own influences over the years.

So I've felt that I am beautiful, just as I am.  A nearly 50-year old woman, with a few extra curves (rolls, if you will) in some places... and a couple of places where there aren't enough.  A standard weight chart would list me right now as being 40+ lbs overweight, and a BMI chart has me just under or at the "obesity" level; even though most people looking at me (especially clothed), would never guess that.  And I've been content.  Peaceful about it.  I accept that this is how I am today.  I will eat that extra brownie, because I want to.  I don't aspire to be, nor do I have any need or wish to be, the skinny model that a 20-something woman may want to look like.  I've earned my body as it is today, with all its lumps and wrinkles and smile lines. I am happy, just as I am.

And then... it hit me in the shower.  Am I really being content?  Or am I being lazy??!  Am I really "loving" my body right now, allowing it to be 40+ pounds overweight, without exercising or watching what I eat?  Or am I in fact being abusive to my body?  Am I allowing my body to be unhealthy, opening it to diseases, heart risk, cholesterol, etc.?  Is this really acceptance of who I am today, or is this criminal neglect of my God-given precious body?

So now I'm feeling somewhat torn.... should I feel at peace/acceptance?  Or should I feel guilty for neglect?

I don't know.

Where's the line between loving and appreciating my body just as it is today with its imperfections, flaws, wrinkles, extra rolls and pounds; and abuse of this precious gift by neglect (I know I COULD work out, I COULD eat less/better, etc. but I choose not to)?  Is the "line" something that I can/should choose for myself?  Is the line different for everybody - i.e., it is NOT the line that is given by those damn charts, or even by our doctors?  Could my 'line' between accepting myself and being content with my weight be different than anyone else's?  Can I be satisfied with accepting that I do not want to/have no motivation to/don't care enough to be 30 pounds less.. and can I then walk around in that body weight *without* having some vague feeling of guilt about it?

What's the difference between healthy and heavy?  Is it okay to accept 'heavy'?

How much of those 'vague feelings of guilt' have to do with the media vs. doctors/healthy charts?  Everything?  Anything?  I secretly wonder how women who are much heavier than I can accept their bodies... don't they feel MUCH more guilt for being 'unhealthy' than I do?  Or is this crap only the stuff that goes on in my head, based on my own life experiences?

I think she brings up some great questions.  On NPR the other day I heard a doctor quoting masses of research which show that it isn't weight which is the indicator of poor health - it's fitness.  People of any virtually any weight can be healthy and fit.  And people of virtually any weight can be unhealthy and out of shape.  This doctor said that research is showing that people should be more aware of their fitness level than their weight.

Yes there are so damn many messages out there that our weight matters.  How do we stop listening to those?  Should we?  Could we?

A study was done with 5-year-old girls.  They were asked questions to indicate how they felt about themselves then were shown a series of images of rail thin fashion models strutting their stuff.  Then the little girls were again tested to see how they felt about themselves.  Afterwards their body image had plummeted and they showed signs of depression about their looks.  Ouch.

In another study, 6-year-old girls were given a choice between two dolls which were identical except for how thin they were.  95% of them chose the thinner doll.

25% of 8-year-old girls are on a diet.

95% of diets DO NOT WORK.

Any ideas about how to stop this insanity?  How to help young girls grow up loving their bodies and selves like the little girl in the video I posted the other day?  Twould be lovely!

Survey questions: A chance to tell your own story about how you feel about your body...

Dear Powerful, uber-cool Women,
 (sorry guys, the book's about women)

I'm working on a book about Women's Body Image.  The arch of it is about shifting Judgment into Acceptance.  That includes how we judge ourselves and others, and how others judge themselves and us.  It also includes how we release our judgments of others and especially how we come to love and accept ourselves just as we are.

The book will include my own personal journey from judgment to acceptance of my body, my paintings, some facts and figures, and, very importantly, personal stories from my models and other women who struggle daily with the very same issues.

I am at the stage right now where I am gathering stories from others.  If you are interested in sharing your stories, please send them to me at susansingerart@hotmail.com.  If you would like to answer anonymously, you can comment through the blog and share as "anonymous".  These questions are quite personal, so please check in with yourself to see if you're OK sharing this information with me or not.  If you respond, I will assume you're OK with my using your stories in my book and perhaps on this blog.  Please only share if you're comfortable with that agreement.  Please let me know if you would like me to use your first name or a pseudonym if I use your story.

I'm exceedingly grateful to you for sharing whatever you'd like to.  Your story may be just the thing a woman in Nebraska needs to hear to help her get insight into the feelings she's having about being pregnant, or the young girl in California who's thinking about getting a tattoo but can't quite decide, or the aging matron in Florida who hates the wrinkles and flab gathering everywhere on her body and needs a different point of view to help her see her own beauty.

We, as women, are incredibly powerful.  It is time we share the outstanding stories of our lives so we can empower others, so we can love ourselves, so we can end self-hatred.  Thank you for sharing your stories.  They matter.

Here are some questions you may want to consider or which may provoke some memories.  Feel free to address any of them which are pertinent to you, or please ignore them completely and tell me whatever you'd like to!

How do you feel about your body? 

Were there any experiences you had growing up which influenced how you see yourself?

Did your mother say anything to you which affected how you feel about your body?

Did your father say anything to you which affected how you feel about your body?

How did your mother feel about her body?  Did that affect how you feel about yours?

What sort of familiy legacy do you have around body image?  (i.e. all the women in your family are overweight; at family gatherings, there are piles of fattening food but no one eats it - they just stand around and talk about how they need to lose weight;  your sisters are all anorexic; etc.)

When you meet another woman for the first time, what do you notice first?  Do her looks affect whether you choose to become friends with her (consciously or not)?

Do you judge yourself or your looks harshly?  

Can you be gentle with yourself and how you look?  How did you come to that place of self-acceptance?

Are their any activities you do which you notice help you feel great about your body?  (for example: dance, exercise, have sex, go for a walk, talk to friends, eat healthily, sleep well)

Conversely, are there any activities you do which you notice cause you to feel bad about your body? 

Have you ever dieted?  If so, what made you decide to?  Was it successful?

Does your ethnic heritage have an impact on how you perceive yourself/your looks/your body?

If you have a tattoo - what does it mean to you?  What made you decide to get it?  How does it affect how you see yourself?

If you have chosen to get piercings, what do they mean to you?  What made you decide to get them?  How do they affect how you see yourself?

Have you modified your body in any other ways?  Would you consider doing so?  Why or why not?  (i.e. plastic surgery, breast reduction, mole removal, shave your head, lightening your skin, tanning booth)

Have you ever worried about your weight?  Have you ever dieted?  If so, what made you decide to?  Was it successful?

If you've had a child, how did giving birth affect how you feel about your body?

If you nursed a baby, how did/does that affect how you see yourself?

If you have daughters, what sort of dreams do you have for your girls as they grow up?

Do you think your sexual orientation (heterosexual/homosexual/transgender, etc.) affects how you feel about your body?  If so, in what ways?

Have you ever experienced abuse (physical, sexual, emotional)?  If so, do you think it affected how you feel about your body?  If so, how?  How did you cope with the abuse?  What have you done to heal?

Have you had any major illnesses or surgeries which have affected how you see yourself or how you feel about your body?

How do you feel about any scars you may have?

If you are overweight, how does that affect your body image?  your self esteem?  

      Are you comfortable with your weight?

      How do you think others perceive you?

If you are underweight, how does that affect your body image?  your self esteem?

      Are you comfortable with your weight?

      How do you think others perceive you?

Have you ever had an eating disorder?  How did that affect your body image?  your self esteem?

      Did you get help for it?

      Do you feel like you have an accurate picture of yourself now?

      How have you learned to eat healthily?

      What do you think may have triggered you to stop eating/start throwing up/ begin overexercising?

How old are you?

What are your feelings about aging?  How is your perception of your body shifting as you age?

What concerns do you have about aging?

Does aging affect how you perceive your body?  Does it make your more judgmental or more accepting of yourself?

If you have reached the point in your life where you are accepting of your body and your self, how did you get there?

Did any of the following help you learn to accept your body or your Self?  If so, how?  Spirituality, support of others, making art, other forms self expression, dance, exercise.

How have your feelings about your body manifested in your sexuality?  (for example: Have you acted out because you hated your body?  Have you chosen not to have sex because you fear having anyone see you?  Have you had lots of sex because you felt free and comfortable in your body and wanted to share your freedom with others?  Were you educated with abstinence only sex education so chose to wait until marriage?)

Have you had moments of transcendent joy in your body which shut out any negative messages you otherwise experience? 

Are there times when you are fully present in your body and loving what it does?  What are you doing at those moments? 

Are there other stories about your feelings about your body you'd like to share?

May I use your name?  Or is there a pseudonym you'd like me to use?  

May I contact you if I have further questions?  How should I get in touch?

I'm painting what other people see as ugly and am making it so beautiful they can't stop looking.

Sometimes people have feelings when they see my artwork.  That can lead me to feel like I've done soemthing wrong because I've made them uncomfortable.  What I have to realize is that I haven't necessarily done anything wrong - they are having feelings.  I can't change their feelings or cause them to have them or not to have them - that's on them.  I am but a vehicle for the words and images which come through me.  I am not even the origin of them.

In my co-counseling session* just now, I got attuned to the following:

I'm painting what other people see as ugly and am making it so beautiful they can't stop looking at it.

I realized that when I was younger I believed that my feelings were too ugly to be allowed.  I held them in and didn't even feel them until I'd done four or five years of therapy and learned to feel again.  I was thirty years old before I allowed myself the then very frightening experience of letting my anger surface.

One of my former partners was so uncomfortable with my feelings and his own feelings that he would do whatever he needed to in order to keep me from having mine or provoking his, including being harsh and sometimes cruel to me.

Gradually I learned that it's OK to have my feelings.  They are completely valid and OK. They're even safe.  It's so much better for me to have my feelings than to try to suppress them.  When I shove them down, I overeat, or I get rigid and controlling, or I get very angry, or I shut down to those around me who love me and want the best for me.  I need to keep the flow going and to be wide open, both with my "good" feelings and the ones which are harder to be with.  It is such a joy to be uninhibited and honest.  It feels like the Universe is my partner in goodness erupting all over the place.

When I was in session with my co-counseling* partner, I thought about how I really feel about my heavy models.  Their bodies are not the aesthetic I was raised to believe is beautiful.  I saw Mom as beautiful - she dresses well, her face is beautiful - yet Dad kept telling her she needed to lose weight.  It was so confusing to me.  I wanted her to be beautiful - she was beautiful - I wanted her to feel beautiful.  I wanted Dad to tell her she was beautiful.

As I paint these overweight women, I am trying to learn what my mother looks like.  I don't know.  I have never seen her body naked before.  She wouldn't undress in front of us except in the most secretive, veiled fashion.  When she was in the hospital lately, the nurse was helping her dress, and I asked Mom if she wanted me to leave the room so I wouldn't disturb her modesty.  I turned away as she took off her pajamas and put on her shirt.  But before I turned away I saw some of her belly flesh and just the side of her right breast.  I tried to burn the image into my brain.  I felt such a yearning to know how she really looks.  I can still see the image strongly enough to paint it as if from a photograph.

I want to take my mother in my arms and hold her and rock her and tell her how beautiful she truly is.  I want her to feel my compassion and sorrow and I want her to heal the deep broken places within her.

My co-counselor asked me if I want to heal the wounds of the world with my work.  I think she wanted me to recognize the futility of that, but I am aligned with the desire.  Yes, I want to heal the world, and especially  my mother and other women I  know who hate their bodies so deeply.

I looked at the picture I've begun of Heather - my goddess painting, and I imagine myself gently applying the paint over her rounded sagging belly.  I imagine her belly as my feelings - something others have told me are so ugly and reprehensible and uncomfortable - and I want to caress them oh so gently.  I want to make them so beautiful that people get lost in the gorgeous details, the subtle nuances.  I want people to revel in the utter authenticity and sensitivity they are privy to seeing.  So beautiful that they get lost in the experience and can't even begin to zoom out and see that this is something they had previously abhorred - feelings being expressed fully, belly protruding, fat rolling, stretch marks.  Up close, allowed to exist, they are nothing short of miraculous and exquisite.

As I paint the women whose bodies others judge, I will honor them with the loving attention they deserve.  In so doing, I will heal the deep wounds in my psyche where I believed I was too wrong, too intense, too sensitive, too strong, too "feeling" to exist.  My sensitivity and intensity are my greatest strengths in the work I am doing.  They allow me to feel acutely the nubs of canvas under my fingers and the beauty of the women I am painting.

For the first time in my life today, I am feeling exquisitely gentle towards myself and towards all I have felt and will feel, recognizing fully and completely what a gift my sensitivity is to me and to all those in my life.  Not a curse.  Not something to be hacked off with a butcher's knife or a cruel man's tongue lashing.   Rather, something to be honored and revered and trusted and held as the sacred blessing it is.

Blessed be.



*Reevaluation Co-counseling is a healing modality I practice with a friend.  To learn more about it, see the following:  http://www.rc.org/  It has been a very powerful tool for me in my search to get to know myself better and to love myself more.