The first time ever I saw my you-know-what

When I was 16 or 17, I read Everything You Ever Wanted To Ask About Sex, but were afraid to ask which encouraged me to explore my own anatomy. I felt a lot of resistance, but finally my curiosity got the better of me. It felt a little bit like going to see The Exorcist - I knew I was in for some terror that would scare the shit out of me, but I hoped I could take it.

I went over to my dresser and picked up the hand held mirror which my great aunt had bequeathed to me when my great uncle died - it had been in the family for generations and was a beautiful porcelain piece, painted daintily with purple violets, with a matching brush and comb. I wondered if it had ever been used for this purpose before. What would my Aunt Estelle think? 

It was 2 AM, and I hoped and prayed no one else would be awake to surprise me in action. I was terrified my mother or father would just know what I was doing and would come in on me and yell at me for how terrible I was being. But even then, at that young age, I was a courageous person, so I lay down on the floor where I had a good hard surface. My heart pounding, I pulled my underpants down.

All the way.

Off.

My face was flaring red. I held the mirror "down there". I didn't want to look. I wanted to look. I couldn't stand to look. I was afraid of what I would see. It would be so gross. It was wrong to look, wasn't it? What would my parents say if they caught me looking? What would they say???

I snuck a peek. One eye. Closed it again. I tried again. It felt so wrong to look. Oh, God. The book had said I was supposed to touch myself and open the "lips". Gross. Touch? I'd never touched myself down there. I had no idea what I was doing or what I would see.

Gingerly, I moved the mirror to my left hand, tried to adjust the angle, then used my right hand fingers to open the things they said were my lips. It felt so weird. So foreign. I was afraid of what I would see. I had no clue. It was fascinating, but gross. Tissue like none I'd ever seen before. Mauve blending towards red or towards my normal skin color. Folds.  Creases.  What on earth was beyond that? In that darkness? I lifted my head higher to try to see.

I heard a movement out in the hall. I dropped the mirror, pulled on my underpants and scrambled into bed as fast as I could, scraping my shin on the bedrail, stuffing the mirror under my pillow.

Nothing.

Silence.

Except for my heart pounding and my hypervenilating.

Stealthily I got out of bed again and put the mirror away and straightened up any signs of my criminal behavior then settled into my covers, processing hard and fast all I'd seen and felt and thought as I explored the nether-reaches of my most mysterious body.