The truth as I see it. The truths my models bring to me.

I take these photographs.  I paint these paintings.  I learn about these women - the skinny ones, the fat ones, the fit ones, the sluggish ones, the old, the young...  Each of them is so perfect, so unique.  Each shares part of her story with me, and I feel such compassion, such empathy, such a strong desire to portray them as beautifully as I possibly can because that is the truth as I see it.

They tell me about themselves as children, about their operations, about their abortions, about their partners and their children, about their eating disorders, their abuse, their happy childhoods, their healthy upbringings.  They share with me how they feel about their bodies whether they use words or not.

I ask each woman try to find a word to describe how she wants to feel and appear in the photographs.  Here are some of their answers:

powerful, like a Goddess, strong, beautiful, graceful, prayerful, meditative, centered, calm, energetic

Some women are defiant - they will show their bodies if they damn well please.
Some pose because they know they need to/want to in order to march through their fear to the other side.

Some want to feel beautiful and think I can help.  Sometimes I can.  Sometimes I can't.  I try.

Some have had eating disorders or other issues about their bodies.
They might be shy about posing nude for me, a virtual stranger. They might believe they look too fat or too skinny or too tall or too muscular or too ...  whatever their loved ones have sadly led them to believe was true.



Some are defiant yet scared.
Some pose then know it is the right thing to ask me never to paint them.  They want to not be seen by all.  Yet they wanted/needed to pose.

Some are simply comfortable with who they are.  They revel in the feel of the air on their skin.  They love feeling the warmth of the lights on their skin.  They dance.  They move.  They close their eyes and feel the grace they were born with.  They love the feel of their muscles and skin and hair.

Some have hated their bodies in the past but done so much work that they are in a different place now and want to celebrate it.

Some have me photograph their scars and tell me the heroic stories that accompany such fascinating beauty.

Some are awkward at first and move stiffly until they realize they are safe and seen with compassion.  Their reserve melts.  A magical moment occurs and they allow themselves to be.  To just simply be.  Be in their own skin, naked, and seen by another.








Some weep with joy at the freedom.

Some blame me for the shock.

Some are wounded because they needed to say no to modeling but didn't.
Some move through the myriad feelings and come out different.

Some are healed.




All tell me stories I am honored to hear.  All share a most precious gift - vulnerability and trust.
It is one of my deepest wishes that I honor that trust and give these women the gift of being seen with love and honored for the beauty that shines from within.

Trying to break through old patterns using patterns

Geez!  I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted anything - a flurry of posts then nothing!  I've been busy in the studio despite that.

Last Friday we took my youngest to college for his Freshman year.  Since then each day i've been checking my email frequently, hoping for a missive from him, telling about the good times he's having.  I've received a total of 20 lines, 2 of which regarded money.  Yes, well.  I guess I'd better get used to it!

In the meantime, I've been walking with my friend Lynn, a 65-year-old woman who runs marathons and is planning an ascent of Mount Kilamanjaro for February 2011.  I am so blessed to have her in my life.  She's helping me get in shape, but she also inspires me like crazy because of how she lives her life.  I love spending time with her!

The way I got to know her was through her modeling for me.  She saw my 12 Naked Men show in Petersburg and told me she'd like to model for me.  Unfortunately I couldn't read her email address accurately so couldn't get in touch with her that time around, but luckily she found me again at Crossroads when I was showing The Dancer at 89.  She was adamant that she wanted to model for me so we set up a time right then and there.

Bling Lady was the first piece I did of her from that session.  I have several other pieces I'd like to do from then, but haven't gotten around to them yet. 

A couple of months after I first photographed her, she told me her sister and neice were going to be in town and she'd like to bring them over to see the painting.  I told her that would be fine and if they wanted to model while they were here, that would be great too (just kidding!).  Lynn took me seriously and told them that's what they were going to do. 

We had a great time in the studio that day!  Her sister and neice were wonderful models.  The three of them were so at ease with themselves and each other.  I got some fabulous shots and have painted a picture of them already.  I'm not at liberty to show it because, though they're comfortable with my painting their faces with their body, they prefer me not to show them on the internet.  Totally fine.

One of the props we used that day was a fake fur coat Chris had just gotten me for my birthday.  I turned 50 and his gift to me was to take me shopping for a winter coat because mine was getting worn out after 8 years of constant use.  I was looking for another practical piece to replace it, but then Isaw these crazy floor length fur coats.  I tried on a white one with a huge hood just for kicks.  I actually LOVED it!  I felt like a fairy princess snow queen.  Not the look I usually aim for, but I loved it!  I tried on more and more of the coats and told Chris that I was actually going to get one of them!  In the end I bought two - a short one I wear almost daily and a floor length one that looks like a racoon coat from the 50's or whenever it was the guys wore those in college.  I love it!  I haven't actually worn it out of the house yet because I don't quite have the gall to show up with it on anywhere - I don't really go anywhere that calls for a fur coat - but I'm working on it!  Maybe by this winter I'll have come up with someplace - maybe I'll wear it at my opening in October despite the heat in the building with 100's of people crowding around.  Or not.

At any rate, I brought it out to show to Lynn and her sister and neice.  They loved them and started clowning around in them.  Of course I snapped pictures while they were playing.  They're very fun!

That's the back story.

A couple of weeks ago when Lynn and I were walking, she was telling me what she thought of the paintings I'd done during Tom's workshop.  She LOVED the Jenny Saville one.  She said that's how she feels!  Like that paint, those colors, that energy!  She wanted to know why I didn't paint her that way.  She said she liked the piece I did of her, but it was so calm and restrained - why didn't I do this with her?

Well!  I'd been wanting to try such unrestrained painting ever since the workshop, but I'd built up in my mind that my models might be bothered by it (is that true, models???) - that they might find such outrageous energy shameful or ugly or excessive - can you tell what my judgments are?  Yet that was exactly what I wanted to do. 

And here Lynn was giving me permission and asking me to do it with her painting!  That evening I went out to the studio and started playing with Adobe and modifying some of the photos I have of Lynn.  The one on the left is the one I played with the most.  She loved it!  I don't know that I'll paint it like this, but it could give me a good start for getting wilder with the colors and the energy.

The thing that is difficult for me is to recognize that crazy colors and wildly energetic looking doesn't mean random, wild strokes with equal intensity to the mark making.  Those strokes have to be every bit as careful as the way I normally work.  So really, the painting isn't different except in the colors I would use.  At some level I'm looking to be more expressive with the strokes too.  It's the process I'm in, I guess.

As an intermediate step, I decided to work on a piece of Lynn in the fur coat.  I really love her expression and her pose and figured I could have some fun with it.

The first picture was the beginning.  I decided to put a very bold color down for the background colors and to play with the colors in the coat.  I regret the colors in the coat.  I don't like how greenish the yellow is.  Lynn's coloring is pinker than that, so I find it jarring, but I'm not done yet!

I decided to paint her body completely realistically and make it as beautifully rendered as I could manage then play with the coat and background, sort of like Gustav Klimt did his women.  As you can see in this image, the face and hands are painted very realistically (except for his color choice perhaps - she's a bit too blue and pale to look completely realistic), then the rest of it is full of incredible patterns.  The piece is a portrait, but clearly it's more about the patterns.  I haven't decided if I want to go that far or not.  I love drawing patterns.  It's how I doodle.  I would love to figure out how to combine both things - patterns and portraits - but so far I haven't been able to see how to do it.  I could take that chance in this painting, but, frankly, I've gotten attached to the outcome and want to make it pretty.  I'm afraid to screw it up.

Writing that makes me know it's the only choice I really have.  I have to let myself play.  Otherwise why should I even bother doing art?  If I don't take a chance, I should just close up shop and go home.

Yikes!  Here are some of the patterns I've done before.  OK.  I'm ready!  They're gonna be in the painting!  Wish me luck!

Working on a new piece

I had a wonderful experience working with a new (to me) model a couple of weeks ago.  Shelia has been a professional artist's model for about 15 years now, so she is very skilled at what she does. 

It was very interesting to notice the differences between working with her and photographing women who haven't gone in front of the camera before.  Shelia wasn't the least bit shy about disrobing.  She brought her robe with her.  She knew when she needed a break.  She was comfortable suggesting poses that might work well.  For friends who are modeling for the first time, it's a bit harder to disrobe, and they don't always know what they need, though they often have a pretty good sense of how they want to feel in the process.  I love the process of helping them discern what they need, what they want, and how to achieve it - that's often one of the richest parts of the process - and it was also lovely that Shelia already had that clarity.  I love both opportunities!

Because this session was about Shelia (as it is for all of my models), she had come with an idea of what she wanted to do which was to dance improvisationally as I photographed her.  For the first part, I played a very meditative CD by Robert Reich.  It was perfect.  I'd been in a rather hard spot that day, having just heard my son will need spinal surgery for scoliosis, so I needed something to bring me into the present moment.  The music was ideal.  And watching Shelia was perfect.  She is very graceful and beautiful in her movements.  I felt like she was a gift from God, watching her comfort in her body and the ease with which she moved.  She appeared to be directly connected to her core.  She closed her eyes and let her body lead the way.  I could hardly take pictures quickly enough, there were so many good ones! 

After a while, I asked her to pause for a moment so I could use a dark background - I have some new red velvet curtains I'm using for a backdrop now.  They are especially nice for women who are very pale who tend to blend into the almost white wall.  Shelia asked for different music, specifically Sinead O'Conner.  What a contrast!  It was loud and aggressive and almost harsh.  I have to be in a certain mood to want to hear it.  It was interesting seeing how different it felt to photograph her as it played.  I didn't feel as atuned to the experience, and I don't think those pictures turned out as well.  I still got some good ones, but I found myself having to block out the music so I could concentrate on the aesthetics of her movements.

That night when I went to bed, I started thinking about the pictures I'd taken and got an idea for a painting.  About a year ago, Chris had made me an 8'x2.5' canvas.  I had planned to make 24 paintings of women standing straight and tall, larger than life, looking straight at the camera.  I wanted the viewer to go into the room full of these powerful Amazonian women.  After thinking it through, however, I decided I wasn't quite interested enough in the concept to spend a year or more painting such huge canvases which I'd then have to find a place to exhibit and store.  I still think they'd be quite powerful, but I let go of the idea.  But still had the canvas...

What came to me was the idea to use the canvas horizontally and to have her in 3 or 4 different positions on it.  I remembered several pictures I'd taken of her squatting which I thought would be perfect.  I couldn't wait to get to the computer to play with the composition!  Here's what I came up with:

A couple of days later I was able to find the time to grid it onto the canvas.  This picture shows it with the background painted in.  I realized with chagrin (the next day!) that I had left out the second figure's arm which is going towards the floor.  That'll be my next step - to put it back in!  Silly me!

This picture will give you a sense of the scale of the pieces as well.  I'm having to use two easels to support it and have taken down my drawing table to make room for it.  It's LONG!!

I'll be done my big push at work (tutoring for exams) Tuesday, so I'll have some significant time to work on it after that.  I'm very much looking forward to the time!  I think this will be a fun piece to work on - though complex - look at all those hands!  And feet!  And faces! 

Finally finished!

It feels like this piece has taken a very long time to paint!  I just looked back on my blog and see that I began it on November 29, exactly a month ago.  That is a long time for a painting, but considering that I was tutoring for exams and doing Christmas in the meantime, I guess it makes sense.  And really, it doesn't matter how long something takes to paint - it just matters how it looks when it is finished!

As far as that goes, I'm very pleased with how it looks.  I love the how the color of the flesh contrasts with the color of the background.  In daylight, it looks exactly how I want it do.  The flesh glows thanks to the complementary contrast.  I'm also liking the glow on the skin under the knee that's sticking out.  And I think the hands and feet turned out well.  Most of all, though, I like her presence.  Because of that, I've decided to name the piece Presence.  She has such a sturdy presence, such a clarity and sense of stability.  I love that!

The rest of the day once I finished this piece, I was very busy.  I wrote lots of emails and made phone calls working to further my art business.  I began drawing my next picture on the canvas.  And a very special thing - I photographed a new model.  It's always such an honor to photograph someone.  This woman had seen my work at Crossroads and had told me she wanted to model for me then.  It was lovely working with her as she overcame the discomfort of standing naked in front of someone she didn't know and trying to look anything but uncomfortable.  We got some wonderful photographs which I hope show how completely beautiful she is!  It's an interesting progression as the models get more comfortable in front of the camera and in front of me as they move into their own essence.  We both can feel when it happens.  It's an exciting moment!

For the model in the picture I just finished today, it was when she began sitting in the brown chair there.  Before that, the images had been interesting, but not quite right.  As soon as she pulled the chair over, bang!, the images were suddenly dynamite!  It was exhilarating!  We were in the groove!

Can't wait to get started on my new canvas!  Always an exciting adventure!