The Intolerance of Intolerance - Judging others for Judging?

Recently I've gotten feedback that people seem to think that I think it's bad to dress up or shave ones legs or worry about appearance or exercise or whatever. Three people have commented that they're wondering if I'm judging people who do care about their appearance. I thought it might be helpful to explore that here today...

Here's what one friend who reads my blog regularly wrote:

To me, your entire process these past two years has been about evolving into an artist who appreciates and promotes women and their bodies, in all their less than perfect glory.  You've done it well with respect and care, you've reached so many people and you are brave to continue in your quest.  I honor all of that and think you are amazing. 

However, the one thing that bothers me is that sometimes I feel (I feel - not speaking for anyone else) that there is less appreciation or understanding for those who DON'T want to be more public with their bodies, as if that is a wrong decision.  A judgment. I've likened it a few times to a recent convert wanting everyone to love Jesus the same way they do.  (I use that analogy because I went through that with my brother 30 years ago and can relate to it.) 

 I find tattoos fascinating, but I don't want one and I'm not wrong to not want one.  I think it is just as OK to be private with one's body as it is to be more open. Just because someone doesn't wish to show or share their body, doesn't (necessarily) mean they are wrong, or have issues, or should change their minds.  I think what you do allows us all to think about it, though, and mull over where we are and how others perceive us or how we perceive ourselves, and that it is all a good and glorious thing. 

I'm glad this friend is honest enough to share what she's thinking.  I apologize if I'm coming across as a recent convert who wants to convert everyone!  I know how annoying that can be.  I do feel passionate about this topic (obviously).  Here's how I responded to her, in part:

Your points open up inner dialogues for me.  Thanks for that!  Yesterday and this morning on my  walk, I was thinking about judgment and if I'm getting too "fundamentalist" in my work.  I think your perception is accurate that I'm "very open to whatever - live and let live" AND I admit to having a bias against major beauty routines, especially those which are painful, or those which I perceive of being to the benefit of the giver, not the receiver (i.e. anti-wrinkle creams that don't work, or a new fashion cycle every 3 months).  It would probably be helpful for me to write about this on my blog.  It is, in fact, a type of judgment.  A friend of mine spoke about the Intolerance of Intolerance to which the liberals are prey.  Such a good phrase to remember.  I can see that I do have some prejudices which it would be helpful for me to clear up.

I don't think I believe that everyone should be OK with posing naked and letting me paint them.  It simply isn't right for everyone, and I don't believe it should be. I don't want a tattoo either, but I'm frankly relieved to understand better why some people do so I can enjoy their body art without feeling disdainful of it.  People have good reasons for their decisions - sometimes (!) - I guess it's the people who haven't thought about their reasons whom I want to prod - simply because I think conscious choice is a good and powerful thing.  You've given these things a lot of thought.  It isn't what you want to do.  You know why you don't.  I completely respect that.  My heartfelt desire is for people to have choice and to make conscious decisions about what they do to their bodies.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Another example of the feedback I've received recently: a couple of weeks ago a woman apologized to me, made excuses, that she exercises - she said, "I know you think people shouldn't worry about it, but it just makes me feel so good!  I love feeling strong and powerful and great about how I look!  I feel so sexy!  49 and better than ever!"

Uh, no, no judgments there!  I love it!  That's precisely what I'm espousing - do what you want to, do what makes you feel good whether it's putting studs into your arms and silicon implants in your forehead or exercising or having rollicking sex or putting on 10 different kinds of makeup.  Just try to become aware of what you're doing and why you're doing it.  If it's to please other people, try to make a conscious decision as to whether it's the right choice for you or not.  If it's because it's right for you, more power to you!  Don't let other people's possible disapproval stop you!

A dear friend of mine wrote me a related story today: 

I have been shaving my legs and underarms since I was 13 or so (I'm 62 now) - had to sneak it at my grandmother's, because my mother didn't allow it - she said I was too young.  So to me it was a sign of my growing up and independence at that time.  Since then, I always shaved until a number of years ago when I stopped shaving in the winter, because it seemed pointless - nobody but my husband sees it anyway, and he kind of thinks it's sexy to have underarm hair.

Each spring I would have the long hard ritual of shaving - it would take an hour in the shower, and I was exhausted afterwards.  Last summer was the first time that I didn't shave in the summer. It was mostly to support my daughter-in-law who is from England.  She stopped shaving a while ago, and she lives in a community where that is acceptable.  For her wedding 3 years ago, she agonized about what to do - her leg hair is very dark - she is Indian (from India) - and she eventually decided to shave just for the wedding.  She was afraid of people's reactions otherwise.

Last summer we were going to the beach and would be seeing all our family members. This is in the south, a very conservative area. We talked about what to do, and she said she wanted not to shave, but she was afraid.  I offered to not shave too and then there would be two of us. We stuck with that decision, and it was fine. No one said a word, and if they had, it would have been rude. But I think supporting one another was helpful to us both. I don't intend to shave this summer at all.

I love how consciously this woman and her daughter-in-law worked to make a decision that was right for them regardless of societal expectations or perceived judgments.

What I'm finding as I speak with more and more women is that we seem to think we will be judged much more than we are.  My grandmother told my father when he was young, "Billy, you wouldn't worry what people thought about you if you realized how little they do."  Such a great awareness.

In my survey, one of the questions I ask women is "When you meet a woman for the first time, what do you notice first?  Does her appearance affect whether you choose to becomes friends with her?"  In the vast majority of instances, the women have responded that they might notice how she looks, but it's her demeanor that attracts them or keeps them away.  No one has yet to say, "I notice how she looks, and if she's a slob or forgot to put on mascara, I turn the other way and don't want anything to do with her."  Wouldn't that be absurd??

The media gives us the impression that others are checking us out all the time and judging us if we fall short of the rail thin 12-year-old models, but I don't actually think it's true.  I think most people have more compassion and acceptance of our flaws than that.  What do you think?

Should we compliment each other on our looks?

Last Thursday morning I decided to notice what I wore to my writing class with Valley Haggard.  I chose one of my favorite shirts and a red zip-up hoodie.  Valley complimented me when I walked in on how I look.  I felt giggly on the inside that she noticed and smiled broadly at the compliment.

Later that evening I went to the Orchard House School to hear a talk by noted author Catherine Steiner-Adair.  Her talk was called The Body Image Factor and was about how to help middle school girls retain their sense of self.  It was excellent, and I'll blog more about it another time, but I'm bringing it up now because she said a couple of things which are relevant to this blog.


About 30 minutes into her talk, she commented that many of those in attendance would have already judged her on her appearance and decided she was too _____  (you fill in the blank - skinny, fat, ugly, pretty, etc.) and would have begun discounting what she had to say because of it.  She noted that frequently happens to women - their words and/or actions get discounted because of their looks.


She recommended an antidote to that - that when we greet other women, we NOT say anything about how they look.  Don't say, "You look great!"  "You got your hair cut!  It looks great!"  or anything else referring to appearance.  The reason for this is that it puts an emphasis on looks rather than personality or anything else.  She suggested replacing it with "It is so good to see you!"  or "I'm so glad we could get together today!"


She acknowledged how difficult this can be - she was working with some camp counselors who were about to greet the incoming campers for the week.  She asked them not to comment on the girls' looks when they arrived.  Instead they should say things like I mentioned above.  She said virtually everyone had to bite their tongues many times to keep from commenting on how much the girls had grown, or the fact that they'd gotten their braces off - the list goes on and on!


Hearing her talk about that, I realized that I don't normally comment on how people look when I see them.  I've mentioned here before that that caused some heartache between a former friend and me because she was hurt that I didn't tell her how great she looked - specifically - clothes, hair, etc.- when we would see each other, yet she complimented me heartily.  I often felt a bit overwhelmed by her assessment but flattered by the attention.  I usually didn't think to reciprocate because I was so glad to see her and wanted to hear all about how she was doing and what she'd been up to since we'd last seen each other.  I recognize that commenting on appearance is simply what people do in this society.


I wonder how much of a difference it would make if we stopped doing that and began focusing on other things as Steiner-Adair mentioned.  I think it might begin to shift where we put the emphasis - away from looks and towards more substantive things ideally...


And I recognize that I enjoy being complimented on how I look, especially if I've taken some time to put myself together that day.  I told my husband what Steiner-Adair said, and now he's feeling stymied - like he shouldn't compliment me or he'll be breaking a new rule!  It sure is complicated!

Preparing to go out for dinner - should I care how I look? Can I NOT care?

Last night Larkin Garbee, co-owner of James River Tile and Stone Art here in Richmond, hosted a five course Valentine's Weekend Dinner to celebrate the exhibition of my paintings which she is holding at her establishment through March 13.  It couldn't have been more wonderful.  She and her staff did a fantastic job displaying the artwork.  The dinner was delicious.  Each course was paired with a different wine.  Then at the end of the evening there was a raffle.  Four people won the centerpiece from the table, a beautiful candleholder carved out of rugged walnut.  Then the last person won a $1000 commission from me.  I'm very excited about the woman who won - she and her husband have two small children (10 months and 3 years, I think she said), and she'd like to have a picture the kids can feel comfortable with as they grow older.  They're very comfortable with nudity now, and the mom is hoping they'll continue to be so as they get older.  Seeing an image of their mom throughout their lives would only, I would think, increase the dailiness and normalcy of it.  I love her thoughts on it and look forward to painting her!

The Preparations : }
I had to laugh at myself as I was getting ready for the dinner.  I felt very excited about it because I would get to meet a lot of people who are interested in my work, and I didn't have a clue how it would be.  Around 5:00 I pried myself away from the work we were doing stretching a canvas because I knew I would need some time to get ready.  It seemed important to look nice.

Therein lies the irony, right?!  Here I am espousing that women are gorgeous simply because they exist, and I start to get all worried about how I look:

* I need a haircut - my very excellent haircut of 3 months ago is no longer so chic and tidy.
* I hadn't shaved my legs in a month or more - winter takes away that incentive - I was thinking I'd wait til shorts weather, but I figured I'd need to wear stockings, and you never know who'll look/care/notice/judge.
* I considered that I might put on makeup - which for me, at the most, consists of lipstick - which Chris hates because he doesn't like getting it on him - it feels so unnatural to kiss my coated lips too.
* I planned to wear my snazzy red dress which makes me feel brilliantly gorgeous along with a fabulous peacock shawl which a dear friend of mine gave me.  I put on the dress - no problem - then flung the shawl around me.  I tried it this way and that, pulled it over my shoulders and held it in one hand.  Put half of it over my shoulder with the other half hanging down.  Tried it on like I meant it.  Chris looked at me and laughed (in a friendly manner) and told me I am just not the type of woman who can wear a shawl like that - I don't have the right panache.  I don't stride and strut quite right.  I love it when women wear shawls well, but I think he may be right.  I myself am not quite able to pull it off.  So that left me needing to stay warm in a sleeveless dress in mid-February.  I rummaged through my closet with increasing concern that I wouldn't find a thing.  I tried on silk overblouses, but my artist's eye just wouldn't let me wear pink with red or orange with red, and the purple one wasn't the right style.  All the while I was aware of time ticking away.  Finally I chose a mustard colored loose jacket I wore for my opening at October and hoped no one would know it was a tried and true outfit.

All the while, I was thinking about the utter absurdity of worrying about how I look when that's my whole message!

Chris, too, was working hard to look just right.  He wanted to know what color shirt he should wear.  Maroon.  And pants?  Grey.  "Should I really wear grey khakis?  Are they fancy enough?  Should I wear these?"  I replied, "Sounds like you don't think you should wear the grey khakis."  Finally he came to terms with wearing the grey khakis.  Then I noticed that the back pocket was almost worn through, so he had to change them anyway.  Back to the drawing board.

We laughed at our efforts and how different they are from how we normally dress - my standard dress these days is painting pants, a turtleneck, and a sweatshirt.  Some days I'll put on something else if I'm going out first, but usually I'll even go to the store or to teach or to meetings dressed like that.  My social engagements are fairly limited these days to places where being dressed like an artist works.

Chris finally decided on nice slacks, a maroon shirt, maroon and grey tie, black shoes, and a sports coat that almost matched.  I wore my red dress, panty hose, a mustard colored loose jacket, and red shoes with no heels (nothing will get me to wear heels - I had plantar fasciatis (sp?) a few years ago, and heels hurt my foot within moments of putting them on.)

Chris watched me put on the panty hose - it may have been the first time he'd seen me do so.  He asked if all women go through this.  I told him I guess I put them on like anyone else does - gather up the leg all the way to the toe, slip them over the toe then pull them up to the knee.  Do the same on the other foot. Then stand up and grimace broadly while trying to get them up to the waist without creating a run.  Shimmy and squirm and pull and grunt while trying to get each leg even.  Reach inside them to pull up underpants.  Pull up each leg separately to get them up to crotch level so you don't experience a wedgy the entire evening.  Pull up on each leg gently yet firmly so there are no sags or bags without causing a run.  Hope you don't have to pee until you get home again and can get out of the things.

Chris asked why women don't wear stockings like they used to.  I explained about garter belts but then remembered that I used to wear thigh highs when I had to wear anything, and they were a much more comfortable solution, unless they'd lost their elastic and tended to fall down around my ankles while I was carrying a kid from the car to the store or wherever.

Should I care more how I look?
I don't know - I guess I have to recognize that I am simply not equipped to be a fashionista.  I just don't have it in me to care about the right color panty hose for the season or the right shade of lipstick.  Actually, I felt very fashionable (in a sneaky kind of way) over Christmas when my nieces sneered at the idea of wearing lipstick and said no one did that anymore - gross!  Perhaps I'm actually leading fashion trends instead of just being oblivious to and disdainful of them!

Seriously, though, I never have followed fashion trends.  My mother always looks terrific.  She's a snazzy dresser, matching her ensemble and jewelry and other accessories beautifully.  She has a real flair for looking terrific.  But I have never heard her mutter about how she looks or whether something she's wearing is in fashion or whatever.  She dresses without fuss, as far as I know, and looks good.  I don't think she's ever bought a Vogue magazine or anything like that.  So I grew up not really knowing that women worry about how they dress (thank goodness!).  At my high school,  we wore uniforms, so at the time I might have become aware of dress, I didn't.  I'm thankful for that.  My high school was full of very wealthy people who, I'm sure, had wardrobes far more extensive than mine and who probably didn't shop at Sears and JC Penny.  If I had been aware of their wardrobes and had felt a need to compete with them, I think I would have felt quite inadequate.  That could have been painful.  Instead, I put on my black watch kilt, regulation white oxford shirt, blue cardigan, blue knee socks, blue shoes, and camel's hair coat and went out the door to have a great time learning! 

I pay attention to what I wear when I go out, and I like to look nice, but I am blessed with a husband who thinks I am the most beautiful woman on earth no matter what I wear, but he especially likes it when I'm in jeans and a T-shirt, so I don't worry about dressing for him.  The times I get most concerned about how I look are when I'm going out with other women.  I think that's true for most women - we assume our women friends will notice what we're wearing and how we look and may even comment on it.

I think actually, that most of our anxiety about how we look comes from worry about the judgments of other women.  How sad.

How about if we stop talking about looks altogether?
I have an acquaintance who recently had a baby.  She has asked people to NOT comment on how the baby looks - don't tell her she's pretty or cute or any of those other endearments which come so naturally.  I was put off by that at first because I felt stymied - that's what came flowing out of my mouth naturally.  What else was I supposed to say?  But she has really helped me become aware of just how ingrained it is in our society, or at least in me, to comment on a baby's looks - and, of course, it doesn't stop with infants.

What if we stopped commenting on how people look?  What would happen if we began, instead, to comment on their brilliant thoughts?  or their wonderful ideas?  or their courageous actions? or their feelings?  or sensitive thoughts?  I wonder if we would focus on those positives how long it would take to shift things from an outer to an inner focus?

If you're up for it, try it for a few days, and let me know how it feels!  I'm very curious to see what's possible if we give up our worries about our physical selves and focus on our interiors instead...

Loving our bodies unconditionally. Finally.

I am furiously determined and full of righteous anger today, so if that doesn't interest you, then sign out!

I have been confronted this weekend with the judgments of a woman who has no comprehension of the work I do.  She has asked to be taken off my mailing lists.  Of course I have no problem with that - anyone has the right to get the mail they want and to not get what they don't want.  I have no desire to confront people with images of my work - wait, that's not true.  Today I actually want to confront every person in the world with the images of my work. 

I want them to confront their own uptight, rigid, fear-ridden judgments about bodies.  I want them to look at the bodies I've painted, to really see them.  So what if some of the women have tiny breasts?  Or huge pendulous ones.  Or big hips.  Or no waists.  Or saggy butts.  Or 36-24-36 hourglass figures.  Or scars.  Or warts.  Or whatever the fuck they have.  It actually isn't about our bodies, people.

It is about who we are on the inside that counts.  And if we as a society or as an individual are spending all our time focused on the outside package - breasts, hips, thighs, faces, clothes, haircut, shoes, lipstick - whatever - then we are missing the most important thing there is in this world - the gorgeousness of our souls.  We are each of us spectacularly fabulous human beings.  Even the badly damaged ones.  Yes, those of us who are damaged are amazing and deserving of love as well.

And it pisses me off that some people don't get that.  I hate it that they have the gall to judge someone based on their appearance and don't even take the moment to let go of that knee jerk reaction.

Lately I have photographed women who are overweight, who have piercings and tattoos, whom I might have walked past with trepidation in the past because their choices were unfamiliar and uncomfortable to me.  But let me tell you, those women are enriching my life immensely.  I am finding a depth of soul in them that I LOVE.  They are deep, rich, soulful women with an enormous capacity for love, self love included.  Heavy though they might be, they have come to terms with their bodies.  They love them.  Yes, they love their breasts and their bellies and their hips and their thighs.  All the parts that would make some people walk past them and sneer.  What a loss to those frightened people to miss the soulfulness.  Do your own work, people.  It's your stuff if you can't see their humanity. 

A dear friend shared her belief with  me that we are all part of God's artwork.  The old gnarled tree in the forest doesn't deserve our distain just because it isn't bright and young and perky and flexible and springy.  We don't usually detest a tree.  We respect its age.  We look at the crags and splits and wounds and admire the patterns that have been created by the years of being alive.

Why can't we do that with people?  Why do we judge people's appearances?  Why do we ignore elderly men and women?  Are we really so frightened of our own mortality?  Of our own ugliness?

I encourage you to not give in to those fears.  I encourage you to sit with them, to become aware of them, to journal about them, to let yourself feel them fully.  Only then will you be able to see others with compassion.  Only then will you be able to face yourself with compassion.

 

Imagine standing in front of the mirror and caressing your body.  Tell yourself with utter love and compassion how deeply you love yourself.  Allow yourself to feel all the pain you've taken on about your appearance - the comments you've overheard from others, the insistence others have thrown at you that you be or look different than you do.  Look at your own flesh while you do that.  Know that you are precious.  A child of God.  Deserving of unconditional love.  Your body is the vehicle for your soul here on Earth in this lifetime.  How can you NOT treasure and bless it?  It is allowing you to be here right here, right now, walking or crawling or sitting or standing or lying on this planet right now, today, in this very instant.  You are experiencing the amazing gift RIGHT NOW of being with yourself in all your glory and your pain and your suffering.  Perhaps you can feel a glimmer of hope, the thread of hope that you, yes, YOU, are deserving of love.  That you are a worthy person.  That you deserve to be loved.  Nothing but love.