Lasting Impressions V

A friend just wrote to share some of her experiences with people speaking about her body.  She is one of the most beautiful women I know.  She glows with spiritual depth and wisdom from her core.  She has a voice more beautiful than any other I've ever heard.  Her eyes shine, and her compassion moves me to tears when I share difficult stories with her.  I hurt that she has experienced these remarks.

here are some of the things that have been said about my body: 

about my breasts:  "What is that one --the feeder tit?"  (this was said to me by a female massage therapist about the size difference between my two breasts)

"I've never seen a size differnce as bad as your's"  (this said by a nurse practitioner during my gyn appointment)

"Jesus, you're lopsided"  by a gay male friend in college

"Have you had a mastectomy?"  -- by a female friend

"Flat as a board and never been nailed"  "Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?"  by a boy in junior high

"You don't need a swimsuit -- just two bandaids and a cork'  -- by my father when I was twelve or thirteen

There have also been numerous remarks made about my crooked spine from health professionals "the worst curvature I've ever seen" said a chiropractor  (clearly he had not been to an old folk's home).

"I didn't realize your thighs were so chunky"  -- from my sister-in-law at the pool

On the other hand, no man I ever slept with ever made a derogatory remark about my body. My one of my high school boyfriends named my breasts "Jan and Nan"  (Don't ask me why...we didn't have sex, but he liked what we did have... my college boyfriend Stan described my body as "elfin, delicate, exquisite"    Tom has always said complimentary things about all of me.  He might nitpick about housework, but he doesn't criticize the way I look.  He gets big points for that.

Lasting Impressions VI

Another generous friend has shared her experience with her body image and a statement a loved one said to her which left a lasting impression.  This one has had more positive ramifications than others folks have shared:

As an overweight woman, I have spent a lifetime struggling against the Mean Voice in my head that looks in the mirror after a shower and spews out some variation of "Ugly/Fat/Stupid/Worthless."  One of the most transformational things ever said to me about this was (of course) Sam saying as we made love, "Making love with you is like driving a Ferrari.  Your body is so responsive!"  Now sometimes that voice can overwhelm the Mean Voice.  I love being a Ferrari. 

Lasting Impressions III

A friend of mine's daughter-in-law recently gave birth to a baby girl.  The mother, Sally, has decided that she doesn't want anyone to say anything to the child which has anything to do with how she looks.  Nothing.  Not, "Oh, what a pretty baby!"  "Aw, aren't you cute?!"  "What precious little hands!"  NOTHING.  I felt so put off when I heard that. I was surprised by the strength of my feelings so had to examine them carefully.  I realized that I felt like I couldn't say a thing to the baby without her mother jumping down my throat. But now I'm beginning to understand.  It is SO completely normal for us to comment on a child's looks that I can barely even think of anything else to say to a baby!  Now I appreciate Sally's desire to protect her child from all those judgments - even if they're positive - and to allow her the opportunity to develop her own self image around how she looks, free from the opinions of others.  I don't know if that's possible, but I can see aspiring to it.

Here are some of the comments which people on Facebook shared with me - comments which have stuck with them their entire lives.  Some are positive, some negative.  All, I hope, will help me remember to think before I speak and to notice the judgment inherent in even my most innocuous comment!

     * MIS: My mother told me I could never be happy if I was fat. She was wrong.

• DS: Boarding school cadets yelling out "Thunder thighs" when I passed by the barracks to the mess hall. It was totally humiliating. It probably plays a role in why I don't like to wear shorts.
  

  
  
• TE: ‎"I just don't want you to turn out like me."
• EBS:  Don't smile so widely. Your teeth are too big.
• SBG:  Your nose looks like you ran into a parked car.
• DB: It is amazing to me that we only remember (for a LONG time) the negative comments. (Me too, btw.) Did we ever receive positive ones that we simply don't remember, or that we somehow discounted?
• HV: ‎"Vaughan, you're a physical degenerate!" (Said by my 7th grade coach in front of the entire 7th grade.)
• SBG: I remember lots of positive stuff.
• BK:  Beauty runs deeper, who knows why one would say unkind words about anyone's body unless they are insecure about themselves. Here's a funny one: Junior yr. (only girl in the class) on the chalk board it said, "Bobbie belongs to the itty bitty titty committee." I said whoever wrote this might want to erase it before Mr. Hartman walks in or you'll be doing tour duty all weekend. In which it was promptly erased. As if that guy or anyone of em would have ever rocked my petite supple beautiful breasts.
• One word sums it up confidence in your skin. Btw, the Man I married, my best friend had a childhood accident at the age of 5, 60% of his body was badly burned. I still feel in love!!!
• BS: ‎(in an admiring tone, not crude,) "You have hips good enough to birth my children!" I was 17, dancing to the Rage at a house party, and didn't know until that moment that I was particularly "hippy"... and so the instant realization was accompanied by a surprising sensation of pride. I knew I lived in a culture that considered hips a negative, in the media, at least and so, I felt transformed and liberated.
• KB: ‎"When you came down the stairs, you took my breath away." Said by the man I was smart enough to marry, one new years eve....uh...20 years ago.
• HV: I my case, it took until I was about 45 and started ballroom dancing to realize that teacher/coach must have been rather bitter about himself and that he was wrong.
  
  Teachers say they want to change lives...
  
  

  ND: “You have the moves of a great dancer.”

   (Overheard)  “She’s built like a boy.” 
  ELM: In your mouth a few minutes, in your stomach a few hours and on your hips the rest of your life. AND You are going to end up being a middle aged fat woman gone to pot!

  
  

Lasting Impressions II

The 99th Monkey left the following stories about what people said to him which left a lasting impression on him:

Since I never went to summer camp as a young kid, gym class in 7th grade was the first time I ever had to undress in front of other boys. The different genital sizes were glaring, and the word we were using back then was "meat." My best friend told me once that "you have no meat."

In contrast to many women (I'm assuming), apart from that one comment, I can't remember ANY comments from ANYBODY about ANY part of my body, EVER! Oh, I just remembered--in my 40s I developed a belly, and my mother once said, "What do you have, a tumor in there?" She now has Alzheimer's, and I lost weight.

Another man shared a story about shared showers in high school and his experience there, then went on to share other, more positive experiences:

The communal showers in the male dorms at [my boarding school] were a hard place for me. Experiences, not of words, but of others scoffing and laughter about my body are harsh memories from those days. Not everyone, but a few who fit into my category of jerks.

A more positive experience of a doctor who asked me as a 14 year old about my body's sexual functioning. It was fine. A moment of confidence building.

But the greatest impact has been in my relationship with my wife. We have the kind of love and intimacy which has been so affirming. We are both overweight 50-somethings. But she has so intentionally lavished love on me (and I on her) that the gift our bodies are to each other is life and perspective transforming. Simple words like, "I love your body," "Your body gives me so much pleasure," and "I love the way your body does ...," are so affirming. I think this is part of what life and love are about. We have found partnership, and part of it is the physical connection we feel in each other's bodies.

I had thought, when I asked this question, that most of the responses would be from women.  Somehow I keep being surprised when men respond as strongly to my blog as women do, but they are making it very clear to me that men suffer from the same types of body image issues as women do.  I think it used to be more of an exclusively female issue, but the media has begun to show impossibly fit men as much as they do women, leading men to have horribly impossible expectations for themselves just like we do.

Interestingly, when I look at this beautiful picture of the man's abs, I know it isn't what most men look like or could look like or even should look like.  This man has a very unusual physique. 

But when I look at a similar picture of a woman, I immediately think that's what I should/could look like.  I wonder what that's about?

Lasting Impressions I

A couple of days ago I posted a question here on the blog and on Facebook asking,
 

What is the statement someone made to you about your body which left the most lasting impression?

I have gotten some very heartfelt responses to the question.  I'll post them here in the next few days.  Some of the statements were hurtful to the recipients.  Some were affirming and positive.  When I look for a common thread, what I notice is that the person who made the comment was expressing his or her judgment about the other person's body.  It may or may not have been True.  But the speaker apparently thought it was.  And the recipient took it as the Truth, thus the lasting impression.

Here's the first one.  (And thank you to the woman who shared this.  I believe we all heal a bit when we read about other's experiences and realize we weren't the only ones who hurt, who thought we were "less than", who took on what others told us.)

Oh, that one's easy.  (And it could explain a lot!)  When I was a young girl (8th/9th grade I'd say), I had a best friend who lived next door to me.  She was as shy as I was, but somehow she was "cuter" than I.  More people liked her, she had more friends than I did.  I used to try to "be" like her. 

I will always remember a comment my dad made to me one day.  He always believed in telling me "the truth" (his truth, but I sure didn't know that back then).  I remember the comment vividly - I even the room we were standing in.  Dad said, "Quit trying to act like Catharine.  You look silly.  She is sexy, and you are not."

Even today, I can't believe that he said that to me.  I'm sure he didn't intend to hurt me or make me feel small; it was simply his version of the truth.  He may have thought he was helping me 'find' my own niche and what was right for me.  Or perhaps he simply didn't want to see me as sexy (I wasn't back then anyway, but that's beside the point).  All I know is that I was destroyed by that comment, for years.  I'm 49 years old today, and I STILL remember it vividly. I figured out along the way that it was his OPINION, but it still hurt. I felt like I could never compare, that my tall gangly body was not attractive.  (It didn't help when Catharine's mom said once around the same timeframe that I looked "stately".  Hello.... what pre-teen/young teen wants to look STATELY??!)

Yup, the "You're not sexy" comment made me pretty much decide that my body didn't measure up by any standards for a very long time.