A Place of Not Knowing

It's been a very long time since I last wrote a blog post.  Thank you to those of you who've written to ask me what's up.

I've been busy - but not really.  I've been traveling, but that's not really a good excuse.  I've been teaching, but I've always found time to write this blog no matter what else has been going on.  The truth is that I've been in a low spot.  A fallow part of my journey.  And it's difficult to be with and difficult to share.

After the excitement and rush of Not Barbie and Beyond Barbie then the show in Williamsburg then our recent reincarnation of Beyond Barbie, I think I have finally crashed.  I've taken a couple of weeks off the last few months - at the beach and at my high school reunion, thinking those would be times to regenerate, but there is more to regenerate than those two weeks could accomplish.

I am in a state of not knowing.

It's very uncomfortable for a person who prefers to have huge goals she's working towards with an almost manic energy.

Right now I can conger up no goals which matter to me.

I know that women's body image issues still matter to me.  I hate what is happening in our government as it is taking steps towards becoming more repressive to women.  I'm noticing.  And I'm having trouble reacting or even responding.

A couple of months back, I created a powerful response to the Vaginal Probe Ultrasound bill passed here in Virginia.  It was accepted into a show here in town.  Then sent back home with little explanation without being displayed.  What has happened to me is that because I'm not single-minded in my vision of where I'm supposed to be going, that rejection is affecting my self-perception.  When I'm feeling clear and strong, other people can say or do whatever they need do, and it doesn't affect me very much, but right now I feel less empowered and I'm letting this get to me.

A tree by Van Gogh, brimming with effervescent swarms of life and energy

Chris asked me last night where I see myself in 10 years.  I no longer know.  He asked what I want to be doing these days (good question and one I've been mulling over a lot lately too).  I had had a bit of wine (highly unusual for me) so my brain was slipping around enough to find access to a response which felt very true - I want to be fully self-expressed, but I don't need my paintings to be an expression of MY self - rather, I want them to be an expression of my experience of God.  I want to be able to translate my understanding and experience of God onto canvas in such a way that the viewer can have access to that information visually.  I feel that connection in Van Gogh's excellent paintings.  Standing in front of some of his canvases, I can feel an instantaneous connection to the Source of energy and love and divine power.  It blows me away. 

Mark Rothko's painting

In front of Rothko's paintings, I feel sublime peace - something which confuses me because I am aware his life was fraught with distress and addiction, etc.  It feels to me, though, that he must have experienced sublime peace at some level, in order to be able to create the paintings he did.

So I want to be able to access that Source and to put it on canvas.  And I am afraid to.  I'm afraid to be so vulnerable.  I'm afraid to try to do something so important to me because I might fail.  Or others might thing it looks like shit.  Or I might think it looks like shit.  Or it might not work. 

When I paint the images of female nudes, I work from photographs I've taken.  The photographs speak to me with some of the essence I'm referencing or else I wouldn't chose them.  As I'm painting the images, I think about the woman and about what I know of her life and her story.  I try to focus on love and compassion and her divine essence.  Of course, mundane life also intrudes, but my intention is there.  I think that comes through in some of my canvases.

Right now that isn't feeling like an adequate way to explore the essence of divine Source. 

I want to take out raw canvas and pour paint around.  I want to throw paint.  I want to dance all over canvas on the floor.  I want to take off my clothes and roll around on the canvas and wrap myself in it.  I want to become ecstatic and let that jump into and onto the canvas.  I want to be a pure, ecstatic channel for divine joy.  Like Rumi or Hafiz.

Instead I'm writing about it when I have time to actually do it.  Because I'm terrified of what I might find out.  I have high expectations of how I want it to look, and it might not even begin to start to think about thinking about getting there.

It's hard for me to allow myself permission to learn, to have Beginner's Mind, to explore, to screw up, to play.  My inner demons (and some outer very vocal ones in my physical world too) tell me I need to be earning money.  I have to create beauty.  What's inside of me which is craving expression will be too ugly for the world to accept.  If I actually let out my real self, it'll be too much/too intense for others.  No one will be able to take me if I let them really see who I am.  This post is too much.  Too much information.  Who really wants to see the inside of someone else's head?  It's not a pretty place.

OR...

It could be that this post is a true comfort for others who've had similar experiences but have never heard it named so thought they were all alone.  I know I would feel that way if I were to stumble upon someone else's existential Angst to which I could relate. 

I know there is divinity and pure unadulterated love at my core.  I trust that unequivocally.  I trust that each person has the same at his/her core.  So why the fear of accessing it and expressing it?

People have been martyred for trying to express this divinity, this love, this passion, this understanding that at our core we are all good. 

In a moment I am going to get up out of this chair and head out into the studio where I will clear off a bit of space so I can have room to explore and play and experiment.  I will ask God to be present and to let me be a channel for Divine goodness and joy.  And I plan to have fun too.  I will let go of my fear, or feel it and go for it anyway.

I'll end this blog with a quote a friend sent me today.  It resonates strongly for me with what I'm going through now:

The woman who needs to create works of art is born with a kind of psychic tension in her which drives her unmercifully to find a way to balance, to make herself whole. Every human being has this need... -May Sarton

If you have experienced any of what I've written about today, I'd love it if you would share your experiences too.  What have you done from this place of Not Knowing and discomfort?

Speaking of being real!  One of my models sent me an email the other day telling me about an experience she had at work.  I love how bold she was!  This work sends ripples into the world in the most amazing ways.  I feel so blessed.

Here's her story:

A coworker mentioned he had seen your blog entry about me. At first I was nervous, my first thought was "Oh shit, you know what I look like naked!", but then the rational part of my brain kicked in, and I said, "Yeah, it was an awesome experience, totally empowering and freeing". My co worker thought it was totally cool that I had the guts to do that. :) Seriously, I never thought I'd have the confidence to smile and say, "Yep, that's me, in all my pride and glory!". Thanks for helping me find that in myself.

This underscores for me my feeling that our naked bodies really aren't all that scary, but that most of us are very afraid to be seen naked.  Yet when we are seen naked, like my model was, if we simply celebrate that experience rather than cower and believe others have something they can hold against us, we are free.  My model was free.

Perhaps this parallels what I've been writing about the last couple of days - I sometimes fear being "seen" naked in my writing and in my personal interactions, for fear others will have something they can hold against me.  Perhaps all I have to do is say, like my model did, "Yep, that's me, in all my pride and glory!"

Thanks, my friend, for giving me that new possibility.  I like it!  It feels very freeing!

Wendover Art Group, Barclay Butera's line - Faith and Trust

Several months ago I was contacted out of the blue by an employee of Wendover Art Group who said they would like to use some of my artwork as prints.  They would pay to have the pieces scanned (HUGE scans!), then they'd put them on their site and sell them on demand.  I would receive a check each quarter if/when my pieces sold.

Barclay Butera, a well-known designer, had seen my work and felt like it would be the "next big thing".  That was quite flattering, but I had no clue if these guys were for real or not.  I had my doubts - internet scans abound - so I checked them out as well as I could.  I spoke with people who knew of them and who knew about licensing artwork, etc.  It was a brand new thing for me.  What I found out sounded good, so I decided to go for it.  Everything was quite rushed because they wanted to have the prints available for a big furniture show coming up.  Mark Staples, a fine art printing specialist here in Richmond, did a great job scanning the work in record time, then he and his assistant Carol sped the scans to Wendover.  It all happened so fast!

A couple of months later I received a check for a reasonable amount of money, and just last week I received another one.  I like it!

Today I was sending someone a link to Wendover's website, and, for the first time, was able to find my pieces there.  Here's the link.  I am fascinated to see what they've done with my pieces!  For example, "Evoking Beach" (above left) is upside down, and it's been printed 22"x26".  The original is 6"x9" (right).

In the contract I signed, I gave them permission to alter the pictures and to change the sizes, etc., so I'm not complaining.  It's just fascinating to me to see them once the changes have been made.

If these were my nudes, I wouldn't have agreed to allow such changes, but I made a choice about these.  They came out of a period of my life when I was in pretty dark despair some of the time.  Chris had been out of work for about 9 months, and I was feeling scared.  Despite that, I decided to step out of that fear and, in faith, to rent a cottage at the Outer Banks for a week so we could get away and find our centers again.  When I arrived at the beach, I pulled out my paper and pastels, sat at the picnic table on the porch, and began to draw.  I gazed out onto the ocean, at the sand, at the sky, and drew what I saw, moment after changeable moment.  I don't know if I spoke much for a couple of days.  Through those drawings, I re-gained my center and released my fear.  A day later Chris got a phone call from a company ready to offer him a temporary job.  It wasn't perfect for him, but it was perfect for us for the time being.  It gave me the assurance I needed that all was well and all would be well.  I could trust the Universe that we would be OK.

These drawings have come to symbolize that assurance to me.  Wendover called just as I was starting to think about quitting my "day job" to become a full time artist.  I decided that this was the Universe's way of letting me know all was well, all would be well, I could quit my job and trust all would be very well.  So I released my attachment to the images with gratitude for their part in my life.

These are the same pieces which will be on display in Petersburg at the Petersburg Regional Art Center from now through the end of April.  The Opening will be this Friday from 7-10.  Perhaps I'll see you there, and you can tell me about times in your life when your faith was restored.

UPDATE:  8/6/2012

I am still selling my artwork through Wendover.  Last Spring they decided to license several more pieces, this time in hues of brown and tan. Last week I received a check for prints which had sold. 

It has proven to be a wonderful relationship with Wendover, and I couldn't be more pleased.  It's amazing to receive income for works I did a while ago but which continue to sell through the magic of the internet.  I'm so grateful!

Nude self-portrait

Sitting here in the hospital for the fourth day in a row while my son heals from major surgery for scoliosis, I am worlds away from my studio.  My mother asserted a couple of days ago that I must be missing being in the studio.  That sounds logical, but I realized that I hadn't considered the possibility whatsoever.  I've been here.  Only here.  Or at home, collapsed, trying to grab an hour's nap and perhaps some decent food before returning here.

Before I left for Dylan's surgery, I wrote a bunch of blogs and scheduled them to be published during the week so I wouldn't leave y'all high and dry in case you were wanting your fix of "Exploring Women's Bodies"!  (Thanks to those of you who read it so regularly, by the way.  I'm truly honored.)  Anyway, I have a few minutes right now because Dylan is asleep, so I thought I'd check in to see how things are going in blog land.

I notice that people have read the blog about Valley more than anything else I've published before.  I think she has quite a lot of friends who love her dearly.  Very cool!

I also noticed, gasp!, that my entry about my nude self-portrait is about to be published this afternoon.  I notice myself having some feelings about that!  I feel shy about showing the painting publicly (even though I was coy and am showing it upside down.  That'll fool 'em!  Yeah, right.)  It's just a bit embarrassing to show my body in all its glory on the internet, nude, with my face attached.  It certainly gives me even more respect for all my models who have come before me down this path. 

So what about it is such a big deal?

Well, I guess we do a lot in our society to keep ourselves from showing our bodies.  We wear clothing.  We undress in gyms in dressing rooms.  We shower in stalls (at least women do - I have heard that men often have common rooms for showers - and have seen that in movies and prisons - where the lack of privacy is shown to lead to rape more times than not - not accurate, according to research I've done, but it makes for more compelling drama - see what happens when you're naked around other people?  Rape.).  We decorate the parts of ourselves which are visible to the public - we wear make-up on our faces, including foundation so our true skin color and texture aren't even visible; we do things to our hair so it looks "just so"; we paint our fingernails and toenails; we shave our legs and underarms; we pierce parts that might, just might, become visible.  So with all that effort that goes into covering up/decorating/hiding, of course it makes sense that we'd feel uncomfortable about having our actual bodies (the undecorated parts) seen in public.

In my self-portrait, my whole front side shows.  My breasts.  My face.  My legs.  My pubic area.  My feet.  Not my hands - they're behind my head.  I don't have on make-up.  I didn't paint my toenails.  I have no memory of whether I'd shaved my legs or not (though you can't tell from the painting - too much texture).  You can tell that I don't wax anything.  I'm just me.  There for you to see.  A bit uncomfortable.  Feeling exposed.  But doing it anyway, because why shouldn't I?  It's my body.  MY body.  My BODY.  Boldness has a power all its own.  This feels like the next right step, so I'm taking it.  With some trepidation.  But taking it anyway.

One of my mottoes is "Feel the fear, but do it anyway."

So here I am!  (Well, actually I don't have an image to post today because we're still in the hospital, and I haven't taken one right-side-up completely finished.  That will come soon enough.  Til then, you can look at the upside-down one from a couple of days ago.)  Exposed.  Open.  Vulnerable.

What a trip.